Praise be to Allaah for wealth and offspring. Allaah has blessed me with a beautiful child, but I have strange feelings towards this child. When he cries, I lose control and I smack him, pinch him etc, then afterwards I feel physically and mentally shaken. I love him dearly and when people pick him up he laughs and plays with them, but when he sees me he cries and screams. My son is one year old. Please note that I pray and fast.
Praise be to Allaah.
This manner
of treating your son is very strange. There follows some advice, perhaps
Allaah will cause you to benefit from it:
1 – A small
child needs food, drink, sleep and air, and love and compassion are among
the best kinds of food that the parents can give their child. Giving
physical food without this emotional nourishment is neglect of the child’s
natural need for both.
2 – Showing
compassion to the child brings positive results. Hence we are advised to
breastfeed the child naturally so that the goodness of food and drink will
be combined with the goodness of being in the proper place, which is his
mother’s lap. Hence modern science has discovered the great effects that
mother’s milk has on the physical and emotional development of the child and
– conversely – the negative effects of depriving the child of his mother’s
milk and care. Societies in which violence towards children is widespread
have become societies in which crime and evildoing has become widespread.
Some
sociologists have stated that the parent’s ongoing smacking and rebuking of
their children leads to psychological complexes in the child and increases
family violence. This leads to a problem which is difficult to confront,
because violence in the home leads to violence in society, which becomes
widespread, and the victims of this violence in turn inflict psychological
terrorism on individuals, which threatens the security of the society.
3 – The one
who is harsh towards his children is going against sound human nature
(fitrah) and sharee’ah. Allaah has created people with love for their
children. Hence Allaah and His Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah
be upon him) did not enjoin parents to care for their children in this
manner (because it is innate). On the contrary, Islam enjoins children to
care for their fathers and mothers, and warns them against disobeying them.
As for going
against sharee’ah: smacking children and not showing compassion towards them
is indicative of a lack of mercy in the heart of the one who does that,
which is a sign of being deprived of the mercy of Allaah, may He be
exalted.
It was
narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The
Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) kissed
al-Hasan ibn ‘Ali when al-Aqra’ ibn Haabis al-Tameemi was sitting with him.
Al-Aqra’ said: I have ten children and I have never kissed one of them. The
Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
“The one who does not show mercy will not be shown mercy.”
Narrated by
al-Bukhaari (5651) and Muslim (2318).
It was
narrated that ‘Aa’ishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: A Bedouin
came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and
said: Do you kiss children? We do not kiss them. The Prophet (peace and
blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “What can I do for you if Allaah has
removed mercy from your heart?” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (5652).
Our
Prophet’s compassion towards children was so great that he would shorten the
prayer because of their crying, out of compassion towards them and their
mothers.
It was
narrated from Anas ibn Maalik that the Prophet (peace and blessings of
Allaah be upon him) said: “I start to pray intending to make it long, then I
hear the crying of a child, so I make it short because of his mother’s
distress.”
Narrated by
al-Bukhaari (677) and Muslim (470).
4 – You
should understand that you are falling short in raising your child by doing
this, and you may see the evil consequences of it in this world before the
Hereafter. How can such treatment produce a good upbringing and a sound,
righteous child?
5 – You
should understand that a child’s crying does not happen for no reason,
rather every kind of crying has its cause. So you should feel compassion
towards him when he is crying, so that you will be motivated to find the
cause, such as sickness or hunger. You should not be quick to smack him or
pinch him or mistreat him, lest you add another reason, which is crying
because of pain.
A
psychologist said: Psychologists think that crying, like other behaviour, is
usually a means of relieving tension. So crying, screaming, yelling,
breaking toys and possessions and fidgeting are all ways of expressing
tension that is connected to anger or grief, because the frustration that
the child is faced with may create aggressiveness in him, so crying is a way
to expressing this aggression and getting rid of it. Not crying may be
indicative of suppression of this aggression, which may then move to the
subconscious where the child may forget it, but it will not be hidden
completely and it may manifest itself when he grows older in the form of
sickness, anxiety, and aggression whenever the child finds an opportunity.
6 – You
should also note that shaking a child may cause mental or physical
disability, so how about if he is smacked?
American
researchers have warned that shaking children may cause death or severe
mental disability. Researchers have explained that destruction of the brain
may occur when a child is shaken violently. It may cause them to die or may
cause nerve damage and mental disability, such as learning disabilities,
mental paralysis, blindness, convulsions, difficulty in reading, attention
deficit disorder and other educational problems.
One female
specialist said: Infants’ crying is annoying and disturbing, but it is their
only way to express their needs, so first of all we need to find out the
reason why the infant is crying and hasten to tend to it, instead of shaking
him. She emphasized that boys are more likely to be harmed than girls, as
57% of victims are male.
Researchers
noted that shaking a child violently when he cries or throwing him up in the
air and catching him, or shaking him violently on one's knees or jogging
with him are all factors that may lead to brain damage, as the result of the
brain being knocked against the skull, which causes blood vessels to break
and leads to haemorrhaging in the brain. Experts have pointed out that
nursing infants and newborns are the most likely to suffer disability
resulting from shaking, in comparison to older children.
Conclusion:
You have to fear Allaah and not go against the fitrah (sound human nature)
or the laws of Allaah. You should be compassionate towards your beautiful
child and do not cause him to be lost or disabled, then you would have to
live your whole life with this mistake. Look at the life of the Prophet
(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) and his companions, and let them
be a good example for you.
Strive to
make du’aa’ and recite ruqyah for yourself, your family and your child, lest
you be afflicted by the evil eye or witchcraft. Ruqyah is beneficial in all
cases.
We hope that
you will be guided aright and that your child will be safe from harm. We ask
Allaah to help you to raise him soundly.
And Allaah knows
best.
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